you be great

Our days are met with more flow than ebb lately. Since Brians' travels and my being alone with the girls, I've found a way to connect to the magic of mothering. And what I mean is the creative being with children. The house hasn't lost anything by me not paying so much attention to it, in fact somehow, in this shift, my house is doing just fine. No major wash pileups, no unbeardble messes that haven't been tended to. (Well, the floor under Teagan's seat at the table is rather questionable...but...!!!). We've eaten just as well but somehow it's just been easier lately. And I'm teaching quite a lot of swimming lessons. But in it, I've taken some steps back and found an easier path. (Not my usual way, so I am quite proud of myself for this shifting.) It is, of course, a constant shifting whether or not I am engaged in it but for now, the shift is subtle and soothing.

A few funny moments in our house lately with both girls. Here's a few:






Teagan has been sitting on the potty, completely on her own accord and the other day she climbed up there and peed. She then motioned for the toilet paper, which Brian handed to her. She wiped and put it in the potty. She is amazing us, really. Mostly the amazement comes from the fact that with our first children such as with Tessa, we tried to match her development. She would present something to us and we'd offer it or provide the situation for her to repeat whatever it was that she had done. But with Teagan, and because she has Tessa sho sets the pace for our activities (using the potty for example) Teagan has an opportunity to do more. By do more, I simply mean we give her the chance to amaze us. It's as if, she, and I truly believe most children, have great potential if only we give them the opportunity.

Teagan is also diving to the bottom of the pool (with a little push) and picking up toys. Even me, as a swim teacher, never did this with Tessa as 14 months. But Teagan sees Tessa and why not?

After nursing Teagan the other night at bedtime, she laid down on the bed and looked at me then patted her butt. I followed her lead, patted her butt and she fell asleep within minutes... what our children are telling us, if only we listen!


As for Ms. Tess, as she approaches her 3rd birthday (which she clearly and proudly will tell you is September 15. Not 15th but 15) she has been finding such ease. She's managing to temper herself before reacting. I see it as her being able to identify her feelings and then process them before they take over. The other night she wasn't too happy about my having her sit up on my lap to read stories, as she wanted to be jumping on the bed!

So in my arms, very tired but resisting me, she said, "Mama I no loving you right now." I said, "That's okay, Tessa. I still love you." She repeated her statement, "I no loving you and I no like your hair in that kind of ponytail. It no look pretty." I then said, "Tessa it sounds like you're feeling angry, huh? I could understand that."

We proceeded to read the story and then she looked up, touched my face and said,"You are pretty mama." So many things happening in that conversation! Her identifying her emotions, her expressing them, moving on, then her apology in the end.

Today, as I left to teach swimming, she was crying a bit. I told her I would read with her when I got home and she felt soothed. She said, "Mama, I walk you out to your car. You take Dada's car, right? And I walk you out. You seem to have your hands full mama, I shut the door for you so you not be too tired for swimming lessons."

She kissed me and shut the car door. Opened the car door and said, "Mama you be great at swimming, k? You be great!"

And on that note, may we all be great!

Magic

This past weekend Brian was in Vermont and then in Boston. He went to spend time with our very close friends, Dari and Syd. We met Dari and Syd when we were living in Boston. They were barley dating and Dari and I became perfect running partners: she was a bit faster than me but I made up for it with my consistency and ability to plan out runs across the city.

Eventually, they moved in together and we lived down the street from them in Beacon Hill. We were the perfect neighbors: I would cook and they always brought ice cream for desert. And we've become perfect friends: I love both Dari and Syd and they love both me and Brian. And it turns out our friendship was never something we had to build, it has always been a beautiful trust and unearthly bond. We haven't been together much lately but it seems all we have to do is think of one another and our love stretches across the country. And we've had fun too, if Syd and I can relax enough to let Dari and Brian make us laugh! Well, probably more me than Syd but Syd, like me, is sensitive and at times prone to odd ailments, so.... relaxing doesn't come very easily to him either. But we're a good balance to Dari and Bri!

Well, Syd's stepmom passed away a few weeks ago and instead of a funeral, they had a celebration. Brian flew to Vermont to be there. It was in Dari's words, "magical." There was a ceremony with music and readings and speaking among the hills and fields of Lareau Farm. And just as his mom wished... the food was great, the live music was fabulous, the dancing was fun, the people laughed and cried... and it lasted until the wee hours of the night! How lucky for those who were there, to witness such a celebration in honor of a woman they loved.

And for Brian to have the opportunity to be with Dari and Syd, they slept in a log cabin and then spent the weekend riding bikes around Boston... it really soothed them all. A truly special time and though I wasn't there physically I feel fortunate as well, to be among Dari and Syd and Bri in the place where we all met, during such an intimate time. So thank you Dari and Syd for letting Brian and I in.

As for what I did last weekend... I found some magic as well! Tessa, Teagan and I did very little, made hardly any plans and simply lived in fun. I played with them and they appreciated it. We laughed and worked in our classroom and painted and swam and ran and jumped and slept together and I was lucky enough to hone in on who I really am as a mother. No distraction, just mothering and the creative joy of it overcame us. Tessa had very grown up behavior, and at one point said, "Mama my whole body feels happy." Teagan was as usual, bloomed with love. Here are a few of our moments.




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The time has come

Teagan is walking. She put together a few steps on Friday and each day since then has added more and more. Fabulous to watch the unfolding and her utter determination. In her lovely, joyous way she has come through this process with little resistance or frustration. SImply desire, need and trust.






And some swimming.



Tessa cleaning the floor as Teagan climbed up onto the table. Once Teagan was up there, she played for almost 20 minutes before wanting to climb down. The girls must feel complete when Brian and I are home together with them. If it's just me with the girls, they follow me to every room (mostly Tess) and won't leave my side. But when all of us are home, they find the work I've set up for them and I am able to just watch their minds working.

Little Poet

Here's a poem made by the poems you all brought for Teagan in honor of her naming ceremony. Thank you for your words, your grace and your love. May we all remember the power of our words and the presence of poetry in all we do. Teagan reminds us of such.


Your children are not your children.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

A knowing spirit of love... Inspires all she meets.
A hive of honey bees I say, it's the fire in my eyes, the joy of my feet.

You may house their bodies but not their souls.

A friend fills life with beauty, joy and grace.
Trust those you have helped to help you in their turn.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.

You're so true, be my friend
Teagan Teagan you're so cute, you're like a boot.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.

Tus ojos brillan, dando celos a diamentes

Teagan Cay.

Trust your heart, and trust your story.

There is a worm at the heart of the tower; that is why is will not stand.

Ask for help. Grant forgiveness. Abandon intolerance.

They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

God's gift on a rainy night last May.
And Teagan replied...."nothing mother"

The journey is yours, the journey is yours. Angels watching over you, all day, all night

Be still long enough to hear your own leaves rustling.
Do not play at tug o' war.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Remember your name.

The gift of Teagan

Last Thursday Teagan celebrated her 1st birthday. It was a day marked, for me as her mother, in total joy. I can honestly say that in the last year, she has brought our family and our friends simple, unbridled, love and delight. One of my favorite images of Teagan is her, a few weeks old, hardly even 2 feet long, her limbs wobbly and fingers thin not yet chubby. I had just finished putting Tessa to sleep and came out to find Teagan in her dads' arms. I scooped her up, nursed her and then laid her to rest in the crook of my crossed legs as I sat indian sytyle on the bed. There she nuzzled herself into the folds of my ankles and calves and fell asleep. She stayed there for over an hour. Fawn-like and in complete trust of the universe.

A few months back, she reached out for a woman who was standing next to us in the Whole Foods line. The woman noticed her, Teagan smiled and reached her hand toward the woman's face. Teagan smiled even wider. Then she waved and said "hi." The woman, for that moment was entirely captured by Teagan's spark. She then turned to me and said, "Your baby changed me today."

Such is Teagan. A day changer, a moment changer, a life changer.

On the day of her birthday, we played at the pool with some friends, then made our way to Savannah, Ga, where we spent the weekend. My brother graduated from Savannah College of Art and Design. So there, we had more celebrating and Teagan took her first step.

She is so verbal, so many words. Her latest is "Tessa" and the past few days she's been bringing me things from around the house, Tessa's shoes, a diaper, a car... And she looks up at me, holding the item and proudly says, "Tessa?"

The following are some of the past weeks' photographs.

what we give

Last week's beginning brought me through moments of desperation and fury. Nothing really specific but rather just the culmination of mothering, waking too often, too early, nursing, teaching swimming lessons, tutoring, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, tending to my marriage, running, (did i say mothering?!!!!)

For several days, I wrestled with the growing fatigue, using my affirmations, "Grant me the strength to rise above that which brings me challenge." I practiced my breathing, I focused on the moment, I carved out a space for myself (if only for 3 minutes) and yet ... the storm which was growing within me and also perhaps around me, was unescapable. My only hope to find clarity was too allow the storm to overcome me. And it did. By Tuesday afternoon, I was caught in tears and rage. Sadly, I fought with Brian and Brian with me, in front of Tessa and Teagan. But Tuesday night, I was heavy with the guilt of this.

"Had today's fighting diminished my loving? All my tender, careful, patient choices? My detailed explanations of feelings, of not hurting another human being? Would Tessa think of these moments? Would Teagan?v Will they shape who she is and what she will expect from her spouse? From herself?"

It wasn't until Wednesday afternoon that I began to find peace within this. Running Thursday morning, I vowed to myself, that while fighting is okay, is healthy, my children need not be witness. They need not be afraid of me or my emotions. I want them to feel safe, not sheltered, but safe in light of my emotions and ultimately theirs. So, in honor of my vowing, I am making a public declaration. To my children, when I find myself with rage and storm, may I honor these emotions in a healthy way. May I find them, hold them and allow them the space they deserve. May I be able to walk away from the anger, not because of a denial but rather in honor of its strength. In the same way I would walk away from fire, knowing the fire's strength is absolute.

And may I also continue to learn, it is better to be happy than right...and may I give this to my children.

Post It...

Tessa found some highlighter markers at Nana's house. I pretended not to notice and let the two of them find their way... then she found some "Post It" notes...