what we give

Last week's beginning brought me through moments of desperation and fury. Nothing really specific but rather just the culmination of mothering, waking too often, too early, nursing, teaching swimming lessons, tutoring, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, tending to my marriage, running, (did i say mothering?!!!!)

For several days, I wrestled with the growing fatigue, using my affirmations, "Grant me the strength to rise above that which brings me challenge." I practiced my breathing, I focused on the moment, I carved out a space for myself (if only for 3 minutes) and yet ... the storm which was growing within me and also perhaps around me, was unescapable. My only hope to find clarity was too allow the storm to overcome me. And it did. By Tuesday afternoon, I was caught in tears and rage. Sadly, I fought with Brian and Brian with me, in front of Tessa and Teagan. But Tuesday night, I was heavy with the guilt of this.

"Had today's fighting diminished my loving? All my tender, careful, patient choices? My detailed explanations of feelings, of not hurting another human being? Would Tessa think of these moments? Would Teagan?v Will they shape who she is and what she will expect from her spouse? From herself?"

It wasn't until Wednesday afternoon that I began to find peace within this. Running Thursday morning, I vowed to myself, that while fighting is okay, is healthy, my children need not be witness. They need not be afraid of me or my emotions. I want them to feel safe, not sheltered, but safe in light of my emotions and ultimately theirs. So, in honor of my vowing, I am making a public declaration. To my children, when I find myself with rage and storm, may I honor these emotions in a healthy way. May I find them, hold them and allow them the space they deserve. May I be able to walk away from the anger, not because of a denial but rather in honor of its strength. In the same way I would walk away from fire, knowing the fire's strength is absolute.

And may I also continue to learn, it is better to be happy than right...and may I give this to my children.

Post It...

Tessa found some highlighter markers at Nana's house. I pretended not to notice and let the two of them find their way... then she found some "Post It" notes...

Why Marriage? By Mari Nichols-Haining

This weekend Brian and I went to a wedding. A good friend of mine, since I was 13, married her beloved. The ceremony was honest and full of truth. Set among the canopy of sea grape trees, I listened as they vowed their love for one another in public declaration. I was reminded of why I married Brian. How thankful I am for this remembrance. An excerpt from one of their chosen readings, I loved this not because of it incredible poetic nature but instead, I loved this reading for its simplicity. Thank you, Lindsey and Scott for honoring your love and allowing me to remember.

...Because marriages do not fail, people fail
When they enter into marriage
Expecting another to make them whole...

Because, knowing this,
I promise myself to take full responsibility
For my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness
I create me,
I take half of the responsibility for my marriage
Together we create our marriage...

Because with this understanding
The possibilities are limitless.

And here are a few photos of the last few weeks in our house. Full of friends and family... our lives brimming with what is possible.

Some Sparks...

Tessa's had some wonderful language bursts. Here's her latest from today:

1. We were on a walk, myself, Tessa, andTeagan in the push car. Tessa handed me her apple and said, "Mama it seems like you have your hands full, let me push Teagan for you."

2. Tessa has very much been enjoying my giving her swimming lessons. She takes them very seriously. We have also been working very hard on patience. Both of us, me with her and her in all sorts of situations that arise in the life of a 2 year old. Well, today she was at the pool when I was teaching. She asked me a few times if she could have her lesson. I told her when I was all finished with the other children I would do her lesson. She accepted this and went about her playing and swimming on her own for the next 1.5 hours.

At the end of lessons, I got out of the pool and nursed Teagan. Tessa had put her bathing suit back on and was standing on the steps, "Mama I waiting so patient for you. I so patient for my turn. Now Tessa and Mama can have swimming lesson."

1. As for Teagan... oh boy... her voice is emerging. In the past few days she has been grunting (with great irritation) if I take something from her, (or Tessa does, which does believe it or not, happens!!!). And a few times when I've put her in the carseat, she has been arching her back in annoyance. Though, humorous I know these are signs of more to come but also, I feel happy to see her sparks!

2. She is standing on her own...a lot. She's even working on it in her sleep, moving and balancing pushing up to stand.

Photos on Friendship

computer issues

our computer is having some trouble. it is getting help. so there will not be any photographs for a bit. xoooooxoooo

Over the past few days I have been thinking about friendship

I registered Tessa for school, she will begin in the fall and the application asked me, what I hoped for my child to get out of her school experience? I immediately answered that I wish for her to have fun in school, continue towards independence and lastly that she be connected to her innate joy for learning. Now, how is this related to my recent thoughts on friendship? Well, even after turning in the registration form, I am pondering what I want for her to get out of school. And I come back to friendship on a few different levels.

1. Friendship is a relationship of mutual respect, of support, esteem. I hope both my girls will find friendship of this definition in their education. A friendship with learning, an appreciation, a respect. (Is this too far out there?!!)

2. And more commonly friends. I want for them to have friends, to giggle with, to run with, to dance with, to learn with. I want them to feel safe and confident enough to share themselves with friends. For Tessa to share her humor and sensativity. For Teagan to share her kindness and unrelenting joy. For both to find themselves surrounded by friends, a few or many, who simply love them because. Just because they are who they are, however imperfect and at the same time however perfect.

Last week my friend, Maria visited for the week. We have know each other for 8 years. Our friendship blossomed in Boston as we both struggled to find meaning in our work as sales associates for a running store. Well, our job wasn't all too bad though at times we thought we might die selling running shoes but we didn't and instead we both walked away from quite full of appreceiation for one another. In those long, cold lonely winter months when few, if any runners needed new shoes, Maria and I shared the stories which make us who we are and along the way, I've come to love her just because.

Thanks Maria for your visit, for your willingness to seek out friendship and for sharing your self with first, me, then Brian, and now my Tessa and Teagan. In in doing so... you've become their friends too. Tessa keeps asking, "Where my lady friend go?

Swimming

Tessa and Teagan and I have been swimming the past few days. And Tessa's getting reacquainted with the whole process and in doing so she has been asking me to watch videos of herself as "Baby Tessa swimming." I will post a video of Teagan soon. But here is baby Tessa at 9months old.

Teagan and I went to New York and we visited with Mr. Truman and his mom and dad. You may remember Truman from an earlier posting this fall. Truman lost his identical twin brother, Fisher in November. My most recent visit was in celebration though, Carrie and Truman (a very healthy Truman!) and Teagan and I played in baby land...a land we all feel lucky to live in. We spoke of Fisher and the passing of time. How no one really understands what Carrie and Michael have experienced and yet how fortunate they feel surrounded by a bounty of love.

I was struck by their relaxed nature, how easily they trade off the caring for Truman, how effortless his sleeping or not sleeping, his nursing or not nursing passes over them. They both agreed parenting is easier than they expected. And after thinking over this for a day or so, I thought, if all that they have been through, surgery during pregnancy, bed rest, premature deliveries, C-section, NICU, extreme sickness, losing a child... if this has made parenting somehow easier, than-WOW! How tough is parenting? But really, to be in their presence... parenting did seem easier. The two of them are a remarkable team, their mutual trust for one another is obvious, their level of respect is an example. Thank you for sharing your lives with me.

Below are some photographs of this charming boy, his parents...and Teags!!!