Friends

And so we relish what life gives us. How lucky for them. And us too. Molly and I remember the moments when the girls fought incessantly. Every second filled with a life or death need to assert their very strong developing wills. And both girls posses such wills. But now... we'll they've come to understand each other. Their own individual ways melting into common ground. Though since they were infants they've always made each other laugh. Bu these days though, it's nearly all laughter. We realized long ago, if we keep our distance they will work it out. Us mothers are not part of their equation. Their friendship exists very much on its own.

May we all find a moment of gratitude this week for our friends.

With love. Me

what lies in the past

Really, I looked at these photographs tonight and it amazes me to see how Tessa has become her 3 year old self. How, really, each of us, transforms over time into what we are here and now. As her mother, I can recall her nuiances as a 16 month old, her fiery temperment, her humor, her struggle to sleep, her growing need for independence. Still, these are parts of who she is. But... to look at these photos... well, I can and I can't see her current self in them. Perhaps, I remember less how she was at Teagan's age because I was in the midst of morning sickness and pregnancy. Perhaps, it's just the passage of time. Anyhow, what lies in the past makes me feel proud of her.



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Recently Brian was away visiting his family and the girls and I stayed home. Teagan was sick, nights of complete awakness and constant holding, with of course the normal day to day working and cooking, ect. caught up to me. And for the first time in Teagan's 16 months I was so frustrated with her. She was sick, a fever for days, sore throat, ear ache but I was so tired and when normally I find giving Teagan comfort so easy, I was worn down. I left her to cry for a few minutes while I escaped to the shower in a need for some clarity. I was so tired my brain was ticking over itself, like a tripping CD. I could hardly make out my face in the mirror, images were blurring and I put her down. I felt angry with her for the very first time in her life. After the shower I felt better. Not so angry, more sad for being angry with her but I also had to remind myself, that I was frustrated with Tessa the first night we came home from the birthing center! The frustration in both instances came from not feeling like I could meet their needs. So with Teagan, for 16 months of feeling like I've meet her needs... well, that pretty good.

My sister came late that night to help me, she hugged me when I needed to be hugged and snuggled with Teagan when I was out of snuggles. And Tessa, she was so big, and calm and helpful. When I put Teagan down, Teagan of course followed me into the bathroom, crying and crying. Tessa said, "Teagan, mama's frustrated but it's ok. I sing to you and it gunna be alright. I stay with you. Mama's ok, she just tired, Teagan, she just tired." And singing, " I love you Teagan, you are safe Teagan, you are safe Teagan, it be alright...."

And it was. And now it lies in the past.

brief posting

we haven't lost ourselves... I've just been in the midst of crazy work and brian got a new job and we are still not in our house and tessa turned 3! And we full of gratitude for doreen, whose opened her home to us with grace.

i've misplaced the connecting wire for the camera and misplaced the battery charger so i haven't been able to upload photos or movies and also...i've been writing about our trip to nevis and in an attempt to simply create a travel diary, it's turned into something more important. it is the beginning of my wanting to write since the children were born. well, not my wanting to write, that isn't it exactly but it's the first thing that has kept my attention to this degree. what i've written has been calling to me, not in a "lani, you should do this" or a "lani why aren't you writing" way but instead just as something i have truly wanted to be with. that's what writing can do. call to me and like a child, you don't want to leave it... so. soon i will post some more.

but here are a few photos... which won't upload so... next time. soon. i hope.

And so she went

And so she walked, determined and confident. Her 3ft body knew the path, the way and her pink glitter shoes carried her. She wore a blue party dress, adorned with tulle, reaching her ankles. I watched her, she needed no help. Pink, butterfly back pack strapped on her back, her matching lunchbox, she held tightly to her chest. She held it with both arms. In she marched, into the classroom we had been peaking into all summer long, she knew the bathroom, the water fountain, the playground, the picnic table. Down went her back pack and lunch box into her cubby and she spun around offering her teacher a hug, "Hello Ms. Allen."

And me? Left only to watch and know how uttertly full of pride she was. I didn't cry, I felt only my own version of pride. I gave her a quick hug, and as I did so wondered for a moment what to say to her..."You're great, Tessa, you are great."

She has all she needs within her. I know this to be true, and have since she birthed. She is a harvester, a Tessa, a maker of what she needs, and on this day, she knew it.

Here's the journey in photos, beginning with breakfast at our "new home" at Doreen's.

post vacation update

we have returned from our vacation. it was wonderful. absolutely. wonderful. we returned late and by the next day i was in bed with back pain and then the next day, we discoverd our water heater leaking from the closet into the kitchen, through the floor boards, into the living room, through those walls....kinda crazzzzzzy!!!!

for now we are awaiting the insurance inspector and staying with my aunt doreen. thanks doreen. and also on the horizon... tessa starts school on thursday.

so.... more photos and videos soon.... just finding dry ground to stand on. but as tessa reminded me today, "mama, i lucky! i have 2 houses now."

yes. lucky. maybe new kitchen lucky!

Some days

Tessa is very excited about school. Her Nana took her to get a "pink back fack and pink lunchbox."







It's hard to know what makes one day any different than the next. Why, for instance, last Wednesday I felt completely on top of my life. Meaning I felt like I was riding the wave, I had caught it, pulled up onto it and allowed myself to fly with it. I could handle what was before me and I looked forward to the next wave. And yet, just a few days later I felt like the waves were riding me, I was an untethered buoy, being dragged along in a panic. Not fun. Really not fun. And what is it that shifts us from the height to the low? That gives us the courage or strength to ride or be dragged?

Of course, too many factors to list but sometimes when I am lost in it all, I think nothing is different today than yesterday or the day before but really, each day is different. If I've had the chance to eat enough, sleep at all....!!!!! how many hours I've been in the pool, if my body is hurting, if I'm about to get my period and then of course, the fact that I'm dealing with a Brian and a Tessa and a Teagan, who all have their own waves. Somedays our waves form a higher crest when they meet, other days my high meets someone' low and then we end up cancelling each other out and somedays.... my low meets one of their lows and togheter we are really really low!

I write this after a week and some more of little sleep, Teagan and Brian had the stomach flu and Teagan is pushing her way through teething. I've been working quite a bit and Brian is in the process of changing his work so may I find sleep tonight and may I be able to rise above.... 2 days until vacation!!!!!!


Here are some of the past weeks' moments

Nana and the girls in bed...



The work of the father... Brian is truly embracing his gift of fathering these days. And not only in demostrating how he can mow the lawn one handed! But that's a plus!!!!

Some Love

This video didn't upload correctly the last time I tried. But here it is. Teagan and Will both about 13 months doing their "big work."


Teagan as she is... charming, playful and somewhat of a performer. We were at my parent's house for dinner. My brother left the next day for his adventure.... India for 6 months. (More on that later)







And that same night.. both girls diving to the bottom of the pool

Our Classroom

“The first essential for the child’s development is concentration. The child who concentrates is immensely happy.”

I haven't written much about our classroom but you've seen some photographs. My mom set up our back room as the girl's Montessori classroom. It's been a work in progress but about 6 months ago, we got very serious. Our classroom follows a "loose" organization pattern, typical to a traditional Montessori classroom. We've got a handful of the following materials:
Practical Life, Sensorial, Math, Language, and Cultural which are organized onto shelves. This is typical of an Primary Montessori classroom which includes children ages 3-6. Of course our classroom is geared to Tessa and Teagan so, in that way, it's a version of the Primary classroom. For more info on the Montessori classroom, click here:
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We paint back there, we have snack back there, we read back there. Tessa very affectionately thanks Nana for her classroom, almost everyday we are back there. "Thank you my Nana for making my classroom. I like to do my big work, thank you Nana." I try to spend some time each day with the girls in our classroom, doing something from the shelves. It's usually Tessa's idea or these days, Teagan will open the door and call for me to "Come!" It's been a wonderful gift Nana had given us.

It isn't something we "must" do but something instead that seems to just be a part of what we do. It's space in our home serves as emphasis on Maria Montessori's philosophy (the woman who created Montessori) that learning is intrinsic in children. That there is is no separation between learning and living, their development is their "big work" and their learning. “And so we discovered that education is not something which the teacher does, but that it is a natural process which develops spontaneously in the human being.”



The following videos are in the classroom. Tessa and our dear friend Libby are working on the Knobless Cylinders and Teagan and Will are using... (I forget the name).

you be great

Our days are met with more flow than ebb lately. Since Brians' travels and my being alone with the girls, I've found a way to connect to the magic of mothering. And what I mean is the creative being with children. The house hasn't lost anything by me not paying so much attention to it, in fact somehow, in this shift, my house is doing just fine. No major wash pileups, no unbeardble messes that haven't been tended to. (Well, the floor under Teagan's seat at the table is rather questionable...but...!!!). We've eaten just as well but somehow it's just been easier lately. And I'm teaching quite a lot of swimming lessons. But in it, I've taken some steps back and found an easier path. (Not my usual way, so I am quite proud of myself for this shifting.) It is, of course, a constant shifting whether or not I am engaged in it but for now, the shift is subtle and soothing.

A few funny moments in our house lately with both girls. Here's a few:






Teagan has been sitting on the potty, completely on her own accord and the other day she climbed up there and peed. She then motioned for the toilet paper, which Brian handed to her. She wiped and put it in the potty. She is amazing us, really. Mostly the amazement comes from the fact that with our first children such as with Tessa, we tried to match her development. She would present something to us and we'd offer it or provide the situation for her to repeat whatever it was that she had done. But with Teagan, and because she has Tessa sho sets the pace for our activities (using the potty for example) Teagan has an opportunity to do more. By do more, I simply mean we give her the chance to amaze us. It's as if, she, and I truly believe most children, have great potential if only we give them the opportunity.

Teagan is also diving to the bottom of the pool (with a little push) and picking up toys. Even me, as a swim teacher, never did this with Tessa as 14 months. But Teagan sees Tessa and why not?

After nursing Teagan the other night at bedtime, she laid down on the bed and looked at me then patted her butt. I followed her lead, patted her butt and she fell asleep within minutes... what our children are telling us, if only we listen!


As for Ms. Tess, as she approaches her 3rd birthday (which she clearly and proudly will tell you is September 15. Not 15th but 15) she has been finding such ease. She's managing to temper herself before reacting. I see it as her being able to identify her feelings and then process them before they take over. The other night she wasn't too happy about my having her sit up on my lap to read stories, as she wanted to be jumping on the bed!

So in my arms, very tired but resisting me, she said, "Mama I no loving you right now." I said, "That's okay, Tessa. I still love you." She repeated her statement, "I no loving you and I no like your hair in that kind of ponytail. It no look pretty." I then said, "Tessa it sounds like you're feeling angry, huh? I could understand that."

We proceeded to read the story and then she looked up, touched my face and said,"You are pretty mama." So many things happening in that conversation! Her identifying her emotions, her expressing them, moving on, then her apology in the end.

Today, as I left to teach swimming, she was crying a bit. I told her I would read with her when I got home and she felt soothed. She said, "Mama, I walk you out to your car. You take Dada's car, right? And I walk you out. You seem to have your hands full mama, I shut the door for you so you not be too tired for swimming lessons."

She kissed me and shut the car door. Opened the car door and said, "Mama you be great at swimming, k? You be great!"

And on that note, may we all be great!

Magic

This past weekend Brian was in Vermont and then in Boston. He went to spend time with our very close friends, Dari and Syd. We met Dari and Syd when we were living in Boston. They were barley dating and Dari and I became perfect running partners: she was a bit faster than me but I made up for it with my consistency and ability to plan out runs across the city.

Eventually, they moved in together and we lived down the street from them in Beacon Hill. We were the perfect neighbors: I would cook and they always brought ice cream for desert. And we've become perfect friends: I love both Dari and Syd and they love both me and Brian. And it turns out our friendship was never something we had to build, it has always been a beautiful trust and unearthly bond. We haven't been together much lately but it seems all we have to do is think of one another and our love stretches across the country. And we've had fun too, if Syd and I can relax enough to let Dari and Brian make us laugh! Well, probably more me than Syd but Syd, like me, is sensitive and at times prone to odd ailments, so.... relaxing doesn't come very easily to him either. But we're a good balance to Dari and Bri!

Well, Syd's stepmom passed away a few weeks ago and instead of a funeral, they had a celebration. Brian flew to Vermont to be there. It was in Dari's words, "magical." There was a ceremony with music and readings and speaking among the hills and fields of Lareau Farm. And just as his mom wished... the food was great, the live music was fabulous, the dancing was fun, the people laughed and cried... and it lasted until the wee hours of the night! How lucky for those who were there, to witness such a celebration in honor of a woman they loved.

And for Brian to have the opportunity to be with Dari and Syd, they slept in a log cabin and then spent the weekend riding bikes around Boston... it really soothed them all. A truly special time and though I wasn't there physically I feel fortunate as well, to be among Dari and Syd and Bri in the place where we all met, during such an intimate time. So thank you Dari and Syd for letting Brian and I in.

As for what I did last weekend... I found some magic as well! Tessa, Teagan and I did very little, made hardly any plans and simply lived in fun. I played with them and they appreciated it. We laughed and worked in our classroom and painted and swam and ran and jumped and slept together and I was lucky enough to hone in on who I really am as a mother. No distraction, just mothering and the creative joy of it overcame us. Tessa had very grown up behavior, and at one point said, "Mama my whole body feels happy." Teagan was as usual, bloomed with love. Here are a few of our moments.




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The time has come

Teagan is walking. She put together a few steps on Friday and each day since then has added more and more. Fabulous to watch the unfolding and her utter determination. In her lovely, joyous way she has come through this process with little resistance or frustration. SImply desire, need and trust.






And some swimming.



Tessa cleaning the floor as Teagan climbed up onto the table. Once Teagan was up there, she played for almost 20 minutes before wanting to climb down. The girls must feel complete when Brian and I are home together with them. If it's just me with the girls, they follow me to every room (mostly Tess) and won't leave my side. But when all of us are home, they find the work I've set up for them and I am able to just watch their minds working.

Little Poet

Here's a poem made by the poems you all brought for Teagan in honor of her naming ceremony. Thank you for your words, your grace and your love. May we all remember the power of our words and the presence of poetry in all we do. Teagan reminds us of such.


Your children are not your children.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

A knowing spirit of love... Inspires all she meets.
A hive of honey bees I say, it's the fire in my eyes, the joy of my feet.

You may house their bodies but not their souls.

A friend fills life with beauty, joy and grace.
Trust those you have helped to help you in their turn.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.

You're so true, be my friend
Teagan Teagan you're so cute, you're like a boot.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.

Tus ojos brillan, dando celos a diamentes

Teagan Cay.

Trust your heart, and trust your story.

There is a worm at the heart of the tower; that is why is will not stand.

Ask for help. Grant forgiveness. Abandon intolerance.

They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

God's gift on a rainy night last May.
And Teagan replied...."nothing mother"

The journey is yours, the journey is yours. Angels watching over you, all day, all night

Be still long enough to hear your own leaves rustling.
Do not play at tug o' war.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Remember your name.

The gift of Teagan

Last Thursday Teagan celebrated her 1st birthday. It was a day marked, for me as her mother, in total joy. I can honestly say that in the last year, she has brought our family and our friends simple, unbridled, love and delight. One of my favorite images of Teagan is her, a few weeks old, hardly even 2 feet long, her limbs wobbly and fingers thin not yet chubby. I had just finished putting Tessa to sleep and came out to find Teagan in her dads' arms. I scooped her up, nursed her and then laid her to rest in the crook of my crossed legs as I sat indian sytyle on the bed. There she nuzzled herself into the folds of my ankles and calves and fell asleep. She stayed there for over an hour. Fawn-like and in complete trust of the universe.

A few months back, she reached out for a woman who was standing next to us in the Whole Foods line. The woman noticed her, Teagan smiled and reached her hand toward the woman's face. Teagan smiled even wider. Then she waved and said "hi." The woman, for that moment was entirely captured by Teagan's spark. She then turned to me and said, "Your baby changed me today."

Such is Teagan. A day changer, a moment changer, a life changer.

On the day of her birthday, we played at the pool with some friends, then made our way to Savannah, Ga, where we spent the weekend. My brother graduated from Savannah College of Art and Design. So there, we had more celebrating and Teagan took her first step.

She is so verbal, so many words. Her latest is "Tessa" and the past few days she's been bringing me things from around the house, Tessa's shoes, a diaper, a car... And she looks up at me, holding the item and proudly says, "Tessa?"

The following are some of the past weeks' photographs.