Really, I looked at these photographs tonight and it amazes me to see how Tessa has become her 3 year old self. How, really, each of us, transforms over time into what we are here and now. As her mother, I can recall her nuiances as a 16 month old, her fiery temperment, her humor, her struggle to sleep, her growing need for independence. Still, these are parts of who she is. But... to look at these photos... well, I can and I can't see her current self in them. Perhaps, I remember less how she was at Teagan's age because I was in the midst of morning sickness and pregnancy. Perhaps, it's just the passage of time. Anyhow, what lies in the past makes me feel proud of her.
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Recently Brian was away visiting his family and the girls and I stayed home. Teagan was sick, nights of complete awakness and constant holding, with of course the normal day to day working and cooking, ect. caught up to me. And for the first time in Teagan's 16 months I was so frustrated with her. She was sick, a fever for days, sore throat, ear ache but I was so tired and when normally I find giving Teagan comfort so easy, I was worn down. I left her to cry for a few minutes while I escaped to the shower in a need for some clarity. I was so tired my brain was ticking over itself, like a tripping CD. I could hardly make out my face in the mirror, images were blurring and I put her down. I felt angry with her for the very first time in her life. After the shower I felt better. Not so angry, more sad for being angry with her but I also had to remind myself, that I was frustrated with Tessa the first night we came home from the birthing center! The frustration in both instances came from not feeling like I could meet their needs. So with Teagan, for 16 months of feeling like I've meet her needs... well, that pretty good.
My sister came late that night to help me, she hugged me when I needed to be hugged and snuggled with Teagan when I was out of snuggles. And Tessa, she was so big, and calm and helpful. When I put Teagan down, Teagan of course followed me into the bathroom, crying and crying. Tessa said, "Teagan, mama's frustrated but it's ok. I sing to you and it gunna be alright. I stay with you. Mama's ok, she just tired, Teagan, she just tired." And singing, " I love you Teagan, you are safe Teagan, you are safe Teagan, it be alright...."
And it was. And now it lies in the past.
