Last week's beginning brought me through moments of desperation and fury. Nothing really specific but rather just the culmination of mothering, waking too often, too early, nursing, teaching swimming lessons, tutoring, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, tending to my marriage, running, (did i say mothering?!!!!)
For several days, I wrestled with the growing fatigue, using my affirmations, "Grant me the strength to rise above that which brings me challenge." I practiced my breathing, I focused on the moment, I carved out a space for myself (if only for 3 minutes) and yet ... the storm which was growing within me and also perhaps around me, was unescapable. My only hope to find clarity was too allow the storm to overcome me. And it did. By Tuesday afternoon, I was caught in tears and rage. Sadly, I fought with Brian and Brian with me, in front of Tessa and Teagan. But Tuesday night, I was heavy with the guilt of this.
"Had today's fighting diminished my loving? All my tender, careful, patient choices? My detailed explanations of feelings, of not hurting another human being? Would Tessa think of these moments? Would Teagan?v Will they shape who she is and what she will expect from her spouse? From herself?"
It wasn't until Wednesday afternoon that I began to find peace within this. Running Thursday morning, I vowed to myself, that while fighting is okay, is healthy, my children need not be witness. They need not be afraid of me or my emotions. I want them to feel safe, not sheltered, but safe in light of my emotions and ultimately theirs. So, in honor of my vowing, I am making a public declaration. To my children, when I find myself with rage and storm, may I honor these emotions in a healthy way. May I find them, hold them and allow them the space they deserve. May I be able to walk away from the anger, not because of a denial but rather in honor of its strength. In the same way I would walk away from fire, knowing the fire's strength is absolute.
And may I also continue to learn, it is better to be happy than right...and may I give this to my children.
