Some Moments I Wonder Why

As I write this Tessa is down the street with Brian. I was able to put Teagan to sleep in the quiet. Usually Teagan sleeps in her carseat, taking her naps when she can as we go from place to place. The weather is actual weather, something more than 80 degrees and sunny. Currently it's about 45 degrees and windy. Tessa doesn't want to wear anything more than a sundress. We went to the park, I figured she would get cold and then put on her sweater and jacket and hat. By the time she was willing to put on warmer clothes she was too cold to do anything but cry. Tessa is skipping her naps lately, nothing I do will get her to sleep. Some days I am okay with this, she seems pleasant enough and will have quiet time in her room. Other days she spends what would be nap time, crying whining and doing whatever she can to harass me. Ex. Sitting on Teagan, hanging on my leg while I try to make dinner, repeating "Mama, mama mama....Tessa tired, Tessa no like take nap," maybe she is biting Teagan. And when she bites Teagan, Teagan laughs...she thinks it's hysterical!!! Not good. Not good.

In these moments I try to laugh, I think of my mother and know my mother would tell me, "Lani, you just have to laugh," but I am so bad at that, that "laughing in the moments when I don't think something is funny" so usually I pick up the girls, put them both in the car and go somewhere, anywhere, I don't know where we're headed. Some days, once we're in the car, everything changes and I feel light again, other days, I cry. But no matter how I feel, Tessa is back h there, asking me over and over, "Mama where we going?" Me, wondering to myself, "Why, why, have I become a mother?!"

I, of course, have another thought, an answer which somehow does relieve me, a voice that says, "You've been a mother your whole life, it's nothing you've become..." And with this, I remember that mothering is a life lesson, not an arbitrary choice. I remember that my work here is bigger than Tessa not taking a nap, but it's these tiny, seemingly ridiculous, frustrating, frivilous and insignificant moments which do, in fact have value and a place in the world outside of the here and now.

Teagan has been dabbling in some foods, here is after some avocado.

This photo was taken at the Treasure Cay Ferry Dock, at the beginning of our Bahama Christmas trip, there will be more Bahama photos soon.
Tessa like to have her photograph captured most mornings when Teagan wakes up.


I just love how big Tessa seems here.
Teagan in front of our tree. Her first Christmas.