Tessa 22 months, Teagan 7 weeks and Things are Getting Easier

Teagan 7 weeks and Smiling on the kitchen floor. I was sweeping around her. She found it humorous.
Tessa loves her new "Tessa" shirt. My dear friend Carrie sent it to her and a "Teagan" one too.  Tess put it on immediately and headed outside to show the "kids... Trevor and Cali".  Sje rode her scooter and then carried her scooter. (see below)  Once it got too heavy, she rode it again


Teagan is quite content sleeping... 
Recently a close friend of my mom passed away.  Ms. Betty. Ms. Betty was my mom's assistant in her classroom for 7+ years.  She was in her seventies and seemed to exude as much energy as the kindergarten children. She could sew, she made my mom and my sister and me matching aprons.  She painted sets for the school plays, she played kickball, she baked. She baked biscotti for my wedding, she made birthday cakes for my mom, she made gingerbread houses for the children.  She was jolly and good at laughing. My mom loved her and has been struck by the sadness of losing her.  I have been struck by the passing of time, how quickly life passes.  Ms. Betty's life too, I imagine.  

I always thought there was something else out there in life that would be better than whatever I was doing.  How the future would always be more poignant,  more fulfilling than the now.  And yet, now, particularly with the birth of my children I am certain that no time in my past will ever be recreated.  The joy I have felt in the past, will never "be" again.  It is a matter of circumstance, the time we spend with friends can not be reclaimed, No future holds anything necessarily better. While the future may bring more joy, more experiences, the emotions of here and now will pass too.  I don't think we can know this early on, this realization comes from missing our past.  This realization comes from loss, losing what was and can not ever be again.

Such is life, the lessons and what I am learning.  I am trying desperately to imprint each passing moment with my two babes.  Knowing, this time, too, will pass.

4th of July

4th of July was hot. We put Teagan in her sling and she fell asleep, face and body smoshed against me in the heat.  (See photo below)  We didn't stay too long but did enjoy the company.  Our friends Paulina and Victoria and "toria dada.."  
Humid and very frightening for Tess, "Boom boom, loud (as she covers her ears)  Tessa sad... Tessa cry... Tessa scared... Tessa safe (as she pats her heart)."



Teagan is now almost 6 weeks old.  She is smiling. Often. When she is not sleeping. She sleeps alot.  She is truly a love, an absolute love.  Having a second child is easier, relatively.  Somewhat.  In the sense that I am more confident, more secure.  Today I drove to Port St. Lucie to see our midwife, Jyl and I was thinking back to the time when Tess was Teagan's age.  I was nervous to drive around the corner for fear she'd cry.  Teagan did cry, for hardly a minute but she did nonetheless.  But this time around I know it will pass. And it did. 

 I wish I could say that for the things I am finding challenging as Tessa grows.  This week Tessa climbed out of her crib. Our dear friend Sharon gave Tess a "big girl bed." And her little body is so little in it.  Tessa, also in the last week has stopped nursing to sleep at night and at nap.  This has been monumental for me, not so much for her.  I know time is passing, change coming upon us.  I am letting her grow, her independence is blooming.  Once I told her she didn't need to nurse, explained how big she was and that she was safe to let me rock her to sleep, she seemed more confident.  The next night she asked Brian to put her to sleep. proud to do so. "Mama, night night Bri's...No no night night Mama. Night Night Teagan, kisses Mama."  The next morning she repeated this same story to me, smiling and standing full chested and certain. 

tessa swims

Tessa is enchanted with Teagan

Teagan gets a million kisses a day from Tessa who is quite protective of her little sister.  She is very helpful and loving.  Every so often though, wanting to sit on Teagan's lap, she may sit on her head, look at me and give a little smile.  Here she is watching her when I went to get the camera.  Kisses.
Teagan did not like to be dressed up. Nana put this headband on her, a gift from Teagan's fairy God mother, Barbara.  And Nana managed to upset her!
She smiles at her dad's voice
I was changing Teagan and Tessa always helps. She gets me the diaper and the spray and is very proud to do so.
Here, in the morning, I am in awe of my girls. I feel so lucky to have them.  Later that day, though, I was completely overwhelmed.  That's how is goes.  Between trying to tutor and make dinner and clean up and keep Tessa stimulated and nursing nursing nursing...and feeding myself. This is hard work. Really hard.  But still easier than I imagined and not as hard as being super pregnant and running after Tessa. I am happy to say, I have energy and am able to find delight in both the girls despite the overwhelming nature of our life these days.

Life as we know it

Here are some photos of the family.  Me, in my usual spots these days, nursing.  Actually usually I am eating, nursing, and talking on the phone. 

 Lately when I see photos of myself, I think I look older.  Not necessarily in a bad way, just older.  I suppose that's what having children does to you. Perhaps what I notice in my face is a certainty I wasn't able to trust before children.  That is true.  I have even greater convictions now, and in many ways I see myself less as the daughter of my parents and more as the protector of my own children.  What I think or feel, I must trust.  This morning I had the girls in the big, yellow, double stroller and a van drove by with two men in it. They slowed down as they passed us and I felt for a brief moment, frightened.  But instead of being frightened for myself, my fear was for my girls.  "I" never entered my thoughts, just the protection of Tessa and Teagan.  

Tessa is a wild wild child on her scooters and bikini tops.
Here, Tessa has collected the newspapers from the neighbors lawn and is bringing it back to our recycling bin.  What I like about this photo is the urgency and assertiveness in her walk.  She knows just what she is doing!
Brian, Tess, Teagan and me. We were celebrating my cousin, Christine's birthday.  Below, Tess gets in on the candle action.

They look so different, huh?

Here is Teagan and then 2 photos of Tessa as a newborn.

More family = More love

My aunt Doreen has been away and we are so glad she is home now.  She helped me so much when Tessa was first born.  And now with Teagan, I am confident and very secure in my mothering choices.  Doreen helps me remember to relax and reminds me, that even if Tessa misses her nap...she will still grow to be loving and kind and successful!

Teagan had her first bath today. She is 2 weeks and 3 days.

Brian's mom and her husband, Bud came to visit this week.  One night we ate pizza and salad on the boat.  Tessa loves the boat and really loves being around all the love in our family.

Grandma Kathy and teagan
Tessam Teagan nursing, and me... Tessa usually lokes to snuggle up when Teagan is nursing.  As many of you know, tessa is still nursing a few times a day.  It's easier now that I am not pregnant. That was a hard stretch of nursing though I am grateful to have stuck it out.  It is proving me be comforting for both Tess and myself as it gives us a chance to be still with each other in the moments that might otherwise lead to choas.  It isn't easy though, I am soooooo hungry and eating enough for the three of us is challenging.    I do think that I will continue to nurse Tess for a few more months but I see the end approaching.  Sad but important for both of us, as Tessa is growing more independant each day I want to support her and teach her that this independence is good.  While I have many moments that nursing her isn't necessarily fun, I have loved nurturing her in this way.  

Teagan and I are in that nursing is bliss stage, falling in love during each feeding. Even in the middle of the night!

Me and my uncle

My uncle Mike recently sent me this photo.  Tessa does look like me after all, huh?  Different eye color and my hair is curlier.  And take it from my mom, who spent hour after hour nurturing and negotiating my very opinionated self, Tessa is in fact my child.  The other day my mom had Tessa in the kitchen. I was nursing Teagan in the other room and overheard my mom and Tess.  Tess was on the brink of a meltdown because their was something"dirty"  and "rough" in her shoes.  This scenario was a daily occurrence when I was Tessa's age.  My mom, in a sing song voice said, "You remind me of someone I know....And I can't believe I doing this again....!!!!!" 

I keep reminding myself of a lecture I once  heard. The topic was parenting and the speaker asked the group of parents to think of the one thing that most challenged them as parents, the one quality in their children that made them crazy, made them furious.  She called on a few people, stubbornness, strong willed, argumentative, ect...  She then proceeded to say that if fostered and nurtured, these challenging qualities would be what the parents most appreciated in their children and they grew.  If fostered, the stubborn child would use this stuborness to be determined, to always find a way in the world even when the world says "no."  These very qualites are what makes individuals powerful, sucessful, independant, driven.  If parents can find  it in themselves to see this possibility, what a gift we can give our children.  This plays in my mind as I navigate my way through toddlerhood.  I am lucky enough to have had parents who fully embraced this approach.  

Some more

I forgot to post this before.  But here is Jyl, our midwife weighing Teagan after birth. Cool, huh?  Teagan peed on her!
Me and my baby girl, snuggling.  It's so soothing for both of us and I am lucky enough to be able to snuggle a lot.  My family and especially Brian are really working hard to let me rest.Tessa got some new clothes from her aunt Christine and cousins Kaylee and Allison.  She LOVES them.

My brother, Cory, meets Teagan for the first time. She was 3 days old.  I was lucky enough to be there when my brother was being born.  I got to cut his cord and it was at this birth that I decided I would never find out the sex of my baby beforehand.  We didn't know he was a boy and to have that moment, in the world to be genderless is truly a gift.

First week with Teagan

Nana is keeping very busy, usually running around with Tessa but she got a quiet moment here to hold baby Teagan.  Nana was, as expected amazing during my labor.  She's seen many labors and would make an excellent doula! 

As you can see, Teagan is an fantastic addition to our family.  Tessa thinks it's great because they are both naked.  One of Tessa's favorite things-in the nude!
"We are doing this"  I keep thinking this and affirming this to myself and Brian.  Mornings have been very nice. And I feel most strong then, both physically and mentally.  Tessa is really doing well with the changes.  She's been loving and very protective of Teagan.  And very gentle.  The only upset has been in Tessa'a sleeping patterns but that's to be expected as we've had lots of visitors and activity. I am trying to "let it go"  also my daily affirmation.  Overall, the love that we are surrounded with has kept us floating. 
Thank you sooooo much to everyone who has brought us food and love. Thank you for thinking of us. We feel the power of your thoughts as we navigate through this somtimes crazy but mostly blissful time.

Teagan Cay Albano

Teagan and her dad just moments after birth. 

Her she is on my chest, seconds after her first breath.  Brian is cutting her cord. I have to admit, I was totally surprised that she is a girl! I am thrilled, now Tessa has a sister.  Truly a gift.




Teagan as born at home, in the bath. Extremely relaxed and calm, she came, weighing 7.4 lbs and was 19.5 inches long.  The labor wasn't too long and the contractions weren't really too intense until the last 2 hours.  Then they hurt! Bad.  But she pretty much pushed herself out into the water.  It wasn't my intention or plan to have her in the water but birthing changes everything you thought was solid in this world and that which arises from it, is life.  

Nursing is going well.  I am sore but not too bad.  And Tessa has taken quite a liking to "her" baby Teagan.

The name Teagan means "little poet" and My grandmother's name was Kay. However we changed the spelling to Cay. And Cay is a "low lying reef or island  of the Bahamas"  And there you have it.  Teagan Cay.  

Tessa in the rain with pig tails

Another shot of me. 40 weeks pregnant and waiting....Tessa baking with Nana on a rainy afternoon.


Nana dressed Tessa up

Here she is, naked, at her best.  

Tessa is cleaning the glass doors with Nana. Part of her Montessori "Big Work."

Out on the river last weekend, Tess sports her new red shoes and new hair do. 

Here I am and Cooper too.  y belly is huge, isn't it? 39 weeks pregnant and 4 days...
Another new pair of shoes, blue boots from her friend Tosh.  Obviously she loves them

Tessa has a snack and chats

Tessa and I really enjoy our afternoon mealtime when she wakes from her nap.  We sit at her little table, on the kitchen floor. We liked to listen to music while we eat. 

Tessa in the park

The park near our house had a fantastic Easter Celebration and Tessa very much loved the band!